In the mean time, I'd like to talk about something I've been struggling with lately.
Myself.
That's a very broad topic, yes I know. In all honestly though, the enemy uses me to get in the way of my walk with God. My own thoughts are the ones that pollute my mind & thwart me from progressing spiritually. I really am my own worst enemy (or the most successful vessel in the enemy's work against me, you could say) There has been more than one occasion where my body was physically tired from the beating my mind gives me, & I've had to find refuge in my bed, & even so satan's thoughts sometimes inhabit my dreams.
Romans 12:3 says "For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather, think of yourself with sober judgement, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you."
You may take this verse & apply it in your own way, but for me, I don't take this "thinking highly" literally. As in, thinking yourself better than another. I'm considering this highly in terms of amounts. I think about myself entirely too often. That sounds pretty weird, but hear me out.
We all have our shortcomings & faults that we should work on. I, however, seem to be deceived in thinking that I have WAY more defects then anyone else. The negative aspects of my being are at a alarmingly bigger magnitude then most. My self-loathing in itself is terrible, but that's the way I think. Despite all the things that would label me as being a "good person", I wouldn't consider myself one. I have too many flaws, I'm not enough, I'm not worthy.
For example, my relationship with my daughter seems to create the most mental turmoil for me. I always feel I should be doing more for her, & I in no way mean that in a material way. She has more than anything she could ever want in life, including love, but for some reason, in my mind, I'm the worst mother ever created. (In my heart, I know this isn't true, but still. Like I said before. The enemy. Such a manipulator.) Recently, it was brought to my attention that I was not the only one that felt this way, but this person decided to be more vocal about it when not in my company. When I heard word of this, it only reverberated what I already thought of my parenting habits. Nevertheless, it was painful.
Whatever the reason may be, that threw me into the most ridiculous one day pity party ever. I cried, laid on the couch & just hated life. It was stupid, but I let someone's untrue words pretty much destroy me. In retrospect, this person's opinion really held no weight, it was my own thoughts magnified that did it.
The Lord wrote those words in Romans for me. My thinking about myself all the time is the cause of so much self-inflicted. I always criticize everything about me so unnecessarily. It could be considered a borderline obsession.
So today, I'm making a stand.
I'm tired of hurting myself through my thoughts, or letting the enemy get a foothold in my thinking. I don't want to basically hate myself anymore. I'm going to try & dwell on my good attributes more often, & just invoke more positive thinking.
I'm going to love myself a little more.
& even if I can't, I will be happy in knowing that my God loves me, & that's always enough.
-A.A.
I had similar frustrations a while back and still do to a certain extent. But one of my older friends told me that it makes no sense for a Christian to beat himself up for who he is. Its totally contrary to the whole concept of man being made in the image of God. I think sometimes we forget that the screwups we can and are forgiven in the eyes of God, we just need to embrace that forgiveness wholeheartedly.
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