Thrice, and old friends.

My my my has it been a while since I've blogged! Nevertheless, I've found myself with a heart full of thoughts and limited outlets, so I figured I'd uncover the old blog and give it a whirl.

Upon looking at the date of my last post, I was shocked to see it almost a year ago. My next thought was the sheer awe of how much has happened in the last 365 days. I mean, a book and soap opera could really cover everything, nevermind a little blog post.

Anyway, the past should stay dead, in my opinion. I don't want to make this post a big explanation of where I've been and what I've done. I'd rather make it a celebration of what's to come, and what I'm excited about as of late.

I recently took a trip to Baldwinsville New York, a town outside of Syracuse. That single trip has changed my heart in more ways then even I understand. For the first time in a long time, I really feel God's forgiveness upon me and really living in the love that he has for me. It's wonderful! Let me tell you!

Anyway, I'd like to talk about what happened to me last night, because it just so happened to be one of the best nights of my life.

First, let me tell you a little about my love of a band called Thrice.

When I was 14 years old and just beginning to get into the church life, (see I said "church" which doesn't necessarily denote being "saved" or having a relationship with God. I'd say I was going through the motions.) I heard a song on the radio that I was very fond of. At that time, I wasn't too into underground music or anything that wasn't mainstream. Anyway, the song was just different. The musicality itself was a little mature than even I was used to and the lyrics just spoke to me in a special way, but it was more the feeling I got from it.

I see the parts but not the whole
I study saints and scholars both
No perfect plan unfurls
Do I trust my heart or just my mind
Why is truth so hard to find in this world
Yeah in this world

'Cause I am due for a miracle
I'm waiting for a sign
I'll stare straight into the sun
And I won't close my eyes
Till I understand or go blind

That was the first time I heard Thrice. A few months later I won tickets to their concert in West Palm Beach (I lived there at the time) but regrettably, was not able to go. I'm still not quite over that missed opportunity.

Fast forward to about 3 years ago. The show was Pelican/Circa Survive/Thrice. I hadn't listened to Thrice in a long time, but mainly went to the show out of love for CC's latest and most wonderful Cd. After Circa was through (they did great) Thrice graced the stage. Although I had been removed of their music for quite some time, I was in elation and wonder of what was happening in front of me. They were not the same punk-rock band I'd heard in the middle of my teen angst. These men had evolved so much that I could barely recognize them. I was pleasantly pleased and very upset I had to leave the show early. But no matter. They made a fan out of me for life. The first thing I did the next day was pick up Fire & Water, the first 2 cd's out of their "Alchemy Index" collection. Soon after, I attained Air & Earth, and life might as well have been complete.

In the 3 years since then, I've become very fond of Thrice, and consider them one of my favorite bands of all time, if not my favorite. They're more than just some band to me. They've touched my heart. Dustin Kensrue's lyrics are in my soul and have drawn me to tears more times than I can count. He talks to God in his music, and I find God in them.

Last night, Thrice came to St. Petersburg. The unknown bands playing with them and the $30 ticket price didn't thwart me from coming in the least. I was deadset on seeing them, and hauled some friends with me (not too forcibly, they're all pretty big Thrice enthusiasts as well)

Throughout the night, a few situations happened that kind of annoyed me and almost put a damper on my night. I did my best to not let it put any sort of damper on my night, and boy am I glad I did.

The set was absolute perfection. You could close your eyes, and it sounded like you were listening to the album. But that wasn't the great part. There were multiple times where I full on worshipped God in the midst of everything. The Holy Spirit was so thick in there, I don't even know how non-believers didn't feel it. I got so much joy out of hearing the crowd chant "We are the image of the invisible" at the top of their lungs, unbeknownst to who they were giving glory too. It was such a moving hour and 15 minutes. I was driven to tears once...yeah THAT good.

...but even THAT wasn't the great part.

After we exited the building and said goodbyes to some friends, we met Dustin Kensrue in the back parking lot.

I really had to keep my composure.

It wasn't that I was starstruck, because it honestly wasn't like I was meeting someone famous. I was meeting someone that helped mend my heart, helped me see a beautiful perception of who God is, who helped me through some hard times, and he didn't even know it. No clue.

After taking some pictures and talking to him about...whatever it was we were talking about...we prayed for him. There. In the parking lot. With a crown gathered. We prayed for him. I'm in tears just thinking about it. I got to pray and bless someone who has blessed me beyond belief over the years. It was one of the most significant and memorable moments of my life. I wish I could play it over and over again in my head and feel the same things all over again. Dustin Kensrue has such a large sphere of influence, and touches peoples hearts every day. To be able so invest some prayer in someone's life was just...I'm speechless.

It was a wonderful night. With wonderful friends. Old, and new.

Heartwork

"We will wear compassion. We will wear it on our chest and sing with the love in our throats" -As Cities Burn

I am currently wearing compassion.

I got lovingly shoved into my outfit.

And after I was dressed,

I got compassion accessories thrown on top.

And as if that wasn't enough,

I then was drenched in compassion,

and hung out to dry with winds of compassion.

Compassion. Compassion. Compassion.

This song has been on repeat for days on end.

A constant beat drumming into my head.

Love your neighbor as yourself.

Love your enemies.

Love me above any one else.

Love. Love. Love.

It's hard, harder than I thought it would be.

It's easy to throw love at the ones you love.

But having to pour out love on someone you would enjoy seeing drenched in gasoline then lit on fire is another matter entirely. And let me say, my heavenly Father has really been testing me lately.

I proclaim that every step I take be one for the Kingdom,

through my obedience, I will bleed compassion.

Not just today, not just once a week.

Every breath I breathe I will breathe it for another.

Because God is what drives me,

not my emotions.

I will emote Love.

And ONLY love.

Amen. Amen. Amen.

Lady

Hot & fresh out of the womb, there was no denying I was a 100% girl. For reasons anatomically & not so obvious. Since I could walk, I click-clacked around in those fake Cinderella heels that came with dress up costumes. I snuck into my Grandma's make-up almost every day after coming home from elementary school. I shaved my legs in secret until I was allowed. If it wasn't pink, I didn't wear it. My hair was always perfect. Dirty was never an adjective used in my direction. I knew every word to every Britney Spears song. My Barbies were always as well groomed as I was. I carried a purse before I had any real need for one. I never had a tomboy phase, never played a sport and never felt the need to inspect any kind of bug/reptile/comic book. I was the tried & true example of a girlie girl.

With that being said, due to lack of maternal impact in my life, I could be the Princess of Pink, but no one really taught me to be a lady.

Through the years, I've transformed into the relatively well-mannered civil human being I am today. I always have a napkin in my lap during dinner, I don't eruct in public, and if there is a putrid stench in the air, I promise you, that was not me.

However, lately I've come to realize that truly being a lady is so much more than behavior. Sure, the way you conduct yourself does matter, but I think being a lady is more of a state of mind.

See, woman was made to be opposite of man. In the bible, God created Adam to rule over all the creatures and all that, and made Eve to be his sidekick, his mate for life. She was made FROM a man, but was indeed, not a man at all. She was the final touch of the creation, the cherry on top, the last piece to the puzzle. Someone recently told me that if God's creation was a symphony, then a woman is the symphony's final crescendo, the climax of the entire overture. The final wowing note. That is not something to be taken lightly.

Ladies, sisters, friends: YOU are a product of God's artwork. You are His masterpiece. Beth Moore said that "God did not forget you were a girl when He made you. He knew exactly what he was doing." Aside from giving you a powerful encouraging word on your gender, to not let yourself be taken as the weaker anything, much less the weaker sex, I would like to take this opportunity to urge you to act as God's ultimate creation.

It's not enough to just remember to say please and thank you, albeit important. Always have a kind word on your lips, rather than filthy curses and toilet humor. Let the grace of God outpour from you onto others, instead of ill behaviors. Clothe your body the way you want to be thought of, leave certain things to be uncovered by the one who decides to share covenant with you someday. Make it easier on our boys to have unpolluted minds. The media does enough badgering as it is. Let's stop hating on other girls for stupid reasons. I am the first to admit I am guilty of this, but in the end, it only causes bitterness. And bitterness is not an easy elephant to conceal. Be quick to love, not to anger. Just exude what God intended you to be: Beauty.

Now I love make-up, pay no mind to that. I can pack on layers and layers of rouge and foundation all day, but if the beauty of the Lord is not upon my face, none of it will do any good. I try and remember that everyday, and on the days when I really do feel God's supreme glory on my face, those are the days eyeliner and lip gloss lay forgotten in the depths of my purse.

This is what God has been showing me lately, and I just needed to share it.

I love you, and thanks for reading

-A.A.

You're welcome.

My name was stolen.

I hate monotony.

I'll post later. For real.

<3

Hold. Fast. Hope.

My, it has been some time since I've updated this huh?

Well dear reader, consider these opening lines as a warm embrace after just seeing a friend that's been absent. Hello, and I hope you are well.

I will start by referring to my last post.

If you recall, things were not well with my family. Everyone was in a ridiculous feud, over a reason long ago forgotten but not resolved. Meanwhile, the most I could do was stand back & intercede with prayer. To be perfectly honest, I was just starting to grasp the fact that my family might be divided forever. I was almost beginning to be comfortable with it.

It gives me the upmost in victorious pleasure to announce that in terms of my family, GOD GAVE ME MY MIRACLE!!!

Albeit, an unconventional miracle, but one nonetheless.

You see, my beloved grandfather has recently become a host to cancer. He has had skin cancer for quite sometime, which if you do not know, is very treatable. Not too long ago, he had the beginnings to what seemed like a regular benign mole atop his head. He figured next appointment, he would simply bring it to the doctors attention.

Until it started to grow.

Time passed, & it quickly grew to the size of a kiwi. My stomach made a sickening flip every time I saw it. When my grandfather finally (men!) decided to go seek medical attention, they informed him that this was indeed a cancerous tumor. Action must be taken immediately.

The first order of business was determining how deep into his head it grew. Xrays & biopsies were performed, with the foreboding thought that it could possibly be in his brain. If that indeed was the case, things were going to get grim.

Luckily, my grandfather got the good end of the stick & the tumor CONVENIENTLY stopped just short of his skull. The tumor could be removed. However, because of my grandfather's medical history & fragile health conditions, surgery was not an option. Radiation would have to be carried out.

It's been about a month, & he has attended radiation treatments 4 days a week for 1o minutes each. Although it leaves him very weak, tired, & plagued with nausea, the tumor has responded well & has dramatically decreased in size.

Despite his advancement, the family has been braced for the worst. My grandmother, who had him on a very strict diet, is not lenient & let's him eat his favorite dishes. My aunt bought him a flat screen tv, something he's been wanting for the longest time, but never had the money to buy. My other aunt moved in my grandparent's house to help out. I try to visit as often as I can, being I live in Brandon. We all realized that time was precious, & it just might run out soon.

Thankfully, so did my dad.

When news of the tumor hit him, he was annoyingly optimistic about the situation.

It was almost to the point of apathy, although I knew he was scared. Still, he didn't go out of his way like the rest of us did. Once my grandfather stopped being able to drive & therefore visit his son, my dad realized the severity of the matter.

It had been a year and a half since my father set foot in my grandparents house, & even longer since he had spoken with his mother. Much to her despair. Finally, after so much hurt of seeing my family broken, so much heartache from my grandmother, so many prayers said through tears, he crossed the threshold of their home, & reconciled with my grandmother. Praise God!

Now, this past Father's Day, I was tickled by the fruits of God's miracle. I got to spend the holiday with not only my Dad, but my Grandfather. In the same house. With my grandmother smiling & hugging on her son. My heart was so overwhelmed with joy, it was inexplicable.

So, friends, that is my testimony to being steadfast in the Lord, even when things don't seem to be progressing. The adversity of my grandfather's cancer has turned into the very glue that bonded us back together. Always look up to our Father, with the faith in knowing that although He may be taking His time, He's GOT it. He's GOT us.

Thank you God.

-A.A.

Out of nothingness.

I realize I haven't posted anything in a while.

I've not had much to say.

I'm going through stuff.

I hope you'll pray for me.

I'm definitely not going to get through it alone. 

-A.A.

Don't stop believin'.

My grandmother is one of my favorite people on the planet. She's been the source of so much comfort & inspiration to me, as well as the backbone of my family. Every one of my friends that has met her was greeted with a warm hug, & left with a smile on their lips. On the day Kylie was born, she was right there, holding my hand & whispering words of encouragement in my ear. Growing up, whenever tough times were upon me, she ALWAYS bailed me out, no questions asked. When I got expelled from school 3 weeks shy of graduation, she helped me attain my G.E.D. When I passed with soaring colors, she bought me my first car as a gift. Asking nothing in return. When Kylie was little &  I didn't have a clue what I was doing, she was there guiding me along the way. She such a remarkable person with the most devoted servant's heart. I love her dearly.

She has a total of 4 kids, 3 girls & the lone boy being my father. She's never played favorites, but I've always known there has been a special bond between my dad & her. She has said more than once that he was the most pure & noble heart, as well as the child most like her. I agree.

About a year & a half ago, she & my dad had a falling out of sorts. You see, my grandmother never really cared for my step-mom. I'll admit, up until fairly recently, neither did I. She was always so difficult to love, not that I tried that hard, but still. Our relationship has always been, well, I think hazardous is the best term for it. Anyway, my grandmother did not approve of the way my step-mom treated me, & mettled in affairs between me & my father to cause us to not get along either. It was the huge mess, which resulted in a complete fraying of the family ties. They don't speak, visit, or even acknowledge each other in public. Mother & son have become complete strangers.

Worse than the obvious, a metaphoric line in the sand was drawn, & everyone chose sides. My 3 aunts of course immediately sided with my grandmother. My grandfather, absolutely adoring my dad, pled a silent allegiance to him, but also claiming the whole situation was absurd to begin with. The only one that refused to play this ridiculous game was me. I chose to remain neutral in this war, & at times I resent thatdecision. There could not have been a gathering at my grandmother's house that did not involve a complete slander of my dad & step-mom. I have a history as well as a reputation for having a bad temper, in which case I just stayed quiet to avoid an outburst. 

The biggest heartbreak, to me anyway, was my wedding. My grandmother told me that if my dad was going to be there on the big day, she would not be attending. I couldn't even breathe. I was so torn. How could I not have my dad there? I mean, it's my DAD. Even so, I could not imagine walking down the aisle knowing my grandmother was not there in the first row, watching. It was so hard for me, but in the end, honoring my parents won, & my grandmother was absent on the most important day of my life. Adding insult to injury, one of my aunts showed up. The other two, as well as a few cousins, didn't even bother to send a decline RSVP in the mail. As much as it hurt me not having them there, I got over it & acted like nothing even happened. I really could not bear to have another family feud.

Last sunday, Roger, Kylie & I visited my grandmother because she was leaving the next day for Cuba. We all knew this was going to be a very hard trip for her, as she was seeing her brother that was recovering not so well from a stroke. She had it in her mind that this was the last time she would be in his presence. So, we went for moral support. My aunts were all there was well, & the atmosphere was slightly awkward, but amicable all the same. My grandmother smiled enough, but seemed really depressed & glossy eyed most of the time.

My aunt Vivian, the one I'm most close to, pulled me aside at one point in the day.

"We called your father", she said.

"Oh?", I replied

"Yes," she explained. "Your aunt Mabel & I asked him to just let the past die & come over to say goodbye before Mami left. She's been crying since yesterday saying how much she misses him & just wants her son back. Let's see what happens."

Sometime later, I excused myself to the bathroom. I locked the door, dropped to my knees & prayed deeply. I cried so hard, begging God for a miracle in my family. For the relationship to mend, for hearts to be changed. I repeated over & over "God, please. Just this once. Fix things."

I would really love to end this post with a true God sent miracle of how my dad surprised us all, came to my grandmother's house, gave her a huge hug & apology & now all is well. I want so bad to leave you with that. 

Truth is, as long as our visit lasted, there was no sign of my father. I called the next day to hear my dad never came, but did tell my aunt Mabel he wasn't coming, & that all attempts to reconcile were useless. That he had no family.

I told you all of this basically to iterate how my relationship with the Lord has progressed. Ashley 3 years ago would have been so unbelievably angry that God didn't do what I wanted, that I would have burned my bible, denounced God & considered buddhism. And true, maybe He really didn't give me what I wanted, but he showed me what I had. Faith. Although there were no tangible displays of God's power resulting in my intercession, my heart did not waver. I'm at peace with knowing that He's got it. He knows what's going on, & He's dealing with it. One day, an absolution will come to my family & we will be closer than ever. Right now, I'm just happy that I'm closer than ever to God & feel His love always instead of just at certain times.

So, I will continue to seek Him, & I know the rest will follow.

-A.A.