Mommy Dearest [Part 2]

I must say that I could not have been more unprepared for my husbands remark. Not only did it catch me off guard, I felt as if I would have to be admitted to the nearest emergency room to take out whatever just stabbed me in the chest.

"You're just like her", (the "her" referring to my mother, if you didn't catch my last post.)

It's not as if I haven't heard this statement before. Often times in a tiff with my father or anyone else in my family, they would remind me who I was going to turn out like if I kept on with my behavior. After I had my child, & I wasn't making the best choices, but the only ones I knew to make considering I was 17. It appeared as if I was just skimming the surface of diving into being her clone. According to my darling family, that is.

Naturally I was quite put off by Roger's observation. Before reacting, I remembered I had never actually explained my emotions towards my mom. He knew of all my history involving her, but he never knew the stigma on my psychosis when my even looking like her was pointed out. I said nothing, & forced a smile accompanied with a "Really? Aww."

The last thing I wanted to do was become her. I wanted to take certain actions just because she did the opposite ones. I wanted to live different than she had, to never delve in the atrocious things she took part in. To care about more important matters than partying, drinking & living recklessly.  

Of course, this was what I STRIVED for, not what actually happened.

When Kylie was born, my life was not the happy picture we often see after the birth of a child. It should have been a beautiful time spent bonding with my new baby, enjoying the special milestones & allowing myself to fall in love with her. I did, but not to the degree I would have liked. I acquired postpartum depression, & I morphed into this stubborn, violent & over the top person & I acted in ways that, well, just didn't make any sense. It was frightening. Sadly, I remember very little of the first 2 months of her life. The condition took a momentous toll on me. I overcame it, & got better. That's not to say everyone in my life got better with it.

 

Because of what happened in that time, my home situation was strained to say the least.  It was pins & needles with everyone. My father & stepmother avoided me at all costs for the sake of not arguing. There was always a thick atmosphere of negativity when I happened to walk into a room. When I did talk to my dad, it was on the basis of necessity. Unless we were fighting, of course, which became routine. Violence occurred more often than not. Although they housed me, I really had no support from them. 

After a volatile senior year, my tolerance had reached it's point. I couldn't take the constant turmoil that poisoned the place I laid my head at night. I would have liked to turn things around & try to bring peace in the abode, but we were too far gone. I eventually declared my state of affairs hopeless, & chose the best place for me was anywhere but in the house. So, I left.

I would like to say that my mother's lack of example changed the course of my life. That I knew how to succeed because she had shown me to fail. That no matter what, I would not turn into a lost cause, like her. I would never be what she had been to me. I was determined to make it.

The single act of leaving my father's house & being on my own was the best & worst decision I have ever made. One often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it, & despite my efforts to hold it off....

I

became

Her.

-A.A.

To be continued...