Don't stop believin'.

My grandmother is one of my favorite people on the planet. She's been the source of so much comfort & inspiration to me, as well as the backbone of my family. Every one of my friends that has met her was greeted with a warm hug, & left with a smile on their lips. On the day Kylie was born, she was right there, holding my hand & whispering words of encouragement in my ear. Growing up, whenever tough times were upon me, she ALWAYS bailed me out, no questions asked. When I got expelled from school 3 weeks shy of graduation, she helped me attain my G.E.D. When I passed with soaring colors, she bought me my first car as a gift. Asking nothing in return. When Kylie was little &  I didn't have a clue what I was doing, she was there guiding me along the way. She such a remarkable person with the most devoted servant's heart. I love her dearly.

She has a total of 4 kids, 3 girls & the lone boy being my father. She's never played favorites, but I've always known there has been a special bond between my dad & her. She has said more than once that he was the most pure & noble heart, as well as the child most like her. I agree.

About a year & a half ago, she & my dad had a falling out of sorts. You see, my grandmother never really cared for my step-mom. I'll admit, up until fairly recently, neither did I. She was always so difficult to love, not that I tried that hard, but still. Our relationship has always been, well, I think hazardous is the best term for it. Anyway, my grandmother did not approve of the way my step-mom treated me, & mettled in affairs between me & my father to cause us to not get along either. It was the huge mess, which resulted in a complete fraying of the family ties. They don't speak, visit, or even acknowledge each other in public. Mother & son have become complete strangers.

Worse than the obvious, a metaphoric line in the sand was drawn, & everyone chose sides. My 3 aunts of course immediately sided with my grandmother. My grandfather, absolutely adoring my dad, pled a silent allegiance to him, but also claiming the whole situation was absurd to begin with. The only one that refused to play this ridiculous game was me. I chose to remain neutral in this war, & at times I resent thatdecision. There could not have been a gathering at my grandmother's house that did not involve a complete slander of my dad & step-mom. I have a history as well as a reputation for having a bad temper, in which case I just stayed quiet to avoid an outburst. 

The biggest heartbreak, to me anyway, was my wedding. My grandmother told me that if my dad was going to be there on the big day, she would not be attending. I couldn't even breathe. I was so torn. How could I not have my dad there? I mean, it's my DAD. Even so, I could not imagine walking down the aisle knowing my grandmother was not there in the first row, watching. It was so hard for me, but in the end, honoring my parents won, & my grandmother was absent on the most important day of my life. Adding insult to injury, one of my aunts showed up. The other two, as well as a few cousins, didn't even bother to send a decline RSVP in the mail. As much as it hurt me not having them there, I got over it & acted like nothing even happened. I really could not bear to have another family feud.

Last sunday, Roger, Kylie & I visited my grandmother because she was leaving the next day for Cuba. We all knew this was going to be a very hard trip for her, as she was seeing her brother that was recovering not so well from a stroke. She had it in her mind that this was the last time she would be in his presence. So, we went for moral support. My aunts were all there was well, & the atmosphere was slightly awkward, but amicable all the same. My grandmother smiled enough, but seemed really depressed & glossy eyed most of the time.

My aunt Vivian, the one I'm most close to, pulled me aside at one point in the day.

"We called your father", she said.

"Oh?", I replied

"Yes," she explained. "Your aunt Mabel & I asked him to just let the past die & come over to say goodbye before Mami left. She's been crying since yesterday saying how much she misses him & just wants her son back. Let's see what happens."

Sometime later, I excused myself to the bathroom. I locked the door, dropped to my knees & prayed deeply. I cried so hard, begging God for a miracle in my family. For the relationship to mend, for hearts to be changed. I repeated over & over "God, please. Just this once. Fix things."

I would really love to end this post with a true God sent miracle of how my dad surprised us all, came to my grandmother's house, gave her a huge hug & apology & now all is well. I want so bad to leave you with that. 

Truth is, as long as our visit lasted, there was no sign of my father. I called the next day to hear my dad never came, but did tell my aunt Mabel he wasn't coming, & that all attempts to reconcile were useless. That he had no family.

I told you all of this basically to iterate how my relationship with the Lord has progressed. Ashley 3 years ago would have been so unbelievably angry that God didn't do what I wanted, that I would have burned my bible, denounced God & considered buddhism. And true, maybe He really didn't give me what I wanted, but he showed me what I had. Faith. Although there were no tangible displays of God's power resulting in my intercession, my heart did not waver. I'm at peace with knowing that He's got it. He knows what's going on, & He's dealing with it. One day, an absolution will come to my family & we will be closer than ever. Right now, I'm just happy that I'm closer than ever to God & feel His love always instead of just at certain times.

So, I will continue to seek Him, & I know the rest will follow.

-A.A.